• By Nut
    A few years ago, while shopping at the mall, I suddenly had to go to the restroom. I entered a stall, sat down—damn, constipation. After a few moments, I heard someone enter the stall next to me, on my left. A few minutes passed, and suddenly the guy knocked on the partition and asked if he could borrow my phone for a moment because his had died, and he needed to call his wife urgently. She was also in the mall, and he needed to let her know it would take him a few more minutes. Without thinking much of it, I agreed and handed him my phone under the stall. As soon as he grabbed it...
    ...After a moment of silence, the guy finally passed my phone back under the stall. I picked it up, but to my horror, it was smeared with something brown....
    ...he thanked me and gave the phone back, but I felt uneasy the rest of the day, thinking how risky that was.
    ...I heard the door slam—he ran off with my phone! By the time I finished, pulled up my pants, and rushed out, there was no trace of him.
    ...I waited for a minute, and just as I was starting to feel uneasy, the guy slid my phone back under the partition. Relieved, I picked it up, only to find the screen completely shattered. He mumbled a quick, ‘Sorry, it slipped,’ and rushed out before I could even respond.
  • By Anna
    I’ve been training in karate since I was a kid, and I have a black belt. My husband has always liked that about me, and sometimes we playfully ‘spar’ for fun. One day, my husband was standing in the living room, engrossed in the news on TV. I thought it would be funny to sneak up on him and do an energetic kick, stopping just short of his stomach. What I didn’t account for was that I was wearing tight jeans. As a result, my leg didn’t go exactly as planned and…
    ...I accidentally kicked him straight in the groin. He doubled over in pain, and I immediately felt guilty, apologizing while he groaned on the floor.
    ...I loudly fart... Nothing more to add.
    ...my foot veered off-course and hit the coffee table instead, sending a loud bang through the room. I stood there wincing while he looked over in surprise.
    ...I slipped, lost my balance, and ended up kicking the wall instead. We both burst out laughing as I rubbed my sore foot.
  • By Jake
    Right before Christmas, I got home late one night and, taking advantage of the next day being free, I slept in. The intercom woke me up. Hungover and in my boxers, I answered—it was the mailman with a registered letter. Of course, it must be the present for my girlfriend that I had feared wouldn’t arrive in time. I barely pulled on my pants when I heard the doorbell ring. I grabbed a t-shirt and rushed to the door. I was trying to put it on with one hand while unlocking the door with the other. For some reason, I just couldn’t find the hole for my head. Expecting to figure it out any moment, I grabbed the handle with my other hand and opened the door before the mailman could leave. So there I stood, struggling with this stupid t-shirt in front of the mailman. Even though my head and both arms were inside, I still couldn’t find the opening for my head or sleeves. Also, the shirt felt oddly short. As the mailman began to clear his throat awkwardly, I finally gave up, pulled it off and...
    ...figured out it was a t-shirt, but I had somehow put it on completely backward and inside-out.
    ...noticed that I had grabbed my girlfriend’s top by mistake and had been wrestling with it in front of the mailman.
    ...realized I had been trying to wear a pillowcase.
    ...saw that I had been wearing my pants around my neck instead of the t-shirt! The mailman couldn’t contain his laughter.
  • By Tom
    I can’t stand my fiancée’s mother, and the feeling is entirely mutual. However, my fiancée has a very close relationship with her, so for a long time, I’ve done everything I could to win her over. In the end, things were going somewhat okay between us. One evening in December, my fiancée got a call. She said it was her mom and went to the other room, like she always does. Almost an hour later, she called me over and said, ‘Mom wants us to come over for Christmas, but we’d have to stay in a hotel.’ Half-joking, I replied, ‘Not only do I have to see her during the holidays, but I also have to waste money on a hotel? Screw her, no way.’ Suddenly, I heard her mom’s voice coming from the phone on the desk. The phone had been on speaker the whole time...
    ...Her mom stayed silent for a moment, then calmly said, ‘Well, I guess that settles it. Enjoy your Christmas alone.’
    ...I panicked and tried to apologize on the spot, but my fiancée’s mom was too enraged to listen, calling me all sorts of names.
    ...Her mom immediately launched into a furious rant, calling me a ‘disrespectful idiot’ and ‘useless bum,’ while I stood there frozen.
    ...The room filled with awkward silence, and I realized there was no escaping the fallout from what I had just said.
  • By Batman
    For the past few days, I’ve been having strange issues with the signal on my phone. This morning, I thought I’d try swapping in my sister’s SIM card to see if the problem was with my phone or my card. I sat at the kitchen table and got to work. The SIM card swap went smoothly. My phone uses a micro SIM, one of those tiny ones, so I made sure to keep my own card in my hand the entire time so I wouldn’t lose it. No risks. I sat there with my phone in my right hand and my SIM card in my left, waiting for the phone to power up. There was a bowl of chips on the table, so without thinking, I started snacking. I kept watching the signal bar on the phone for a few minutes, grabbing another chip every so often, until I realized that the issue wasn’t with the SIM card. I took my sister’s SIM card out of the phone and then realized I couldn’t find my own card! I looked at the table, then at the floor, then at the bowl of chips…
    ...I frantically searched around, convinced I had dropped it, only to realize my sister had taken it by accident.
    ...After a frantic search, I found the SIM card stuck to the bottom of the bowl, drenched in oil and crumbs from the chips. At least it wasn’t in my stomach!
    ...In a moment of painful clarity, I realized I had eaten the SIM card along with the chips!
    ...I panicked, thinking I’d lost it, but found it stuck to the bottom of my phone case a few minutes later.
  • By George
    It was a Saturday evening. I had somehow managed to invite one of the prettiest girls from school over to watch a movie with me. Honestly, I couldn’t believe I pulled it off because I’m pretty average. I really wanted to make a good impression. Everything was going great. We cuddled a bit, talked after the movie, and even started kissing. At one point, she kissed my neck. Now, I’m terribly ticklish, so I immediately curled up and laughed. She asked if I was ticklish, and when I confirmed, she started tickling me. Everything was perfect—a Saturday night, a beautiful girl, tickling in bed—what could go wrong? Well, apparently, a lot could. She tickled me harder around my ribs, and I jumped up, flailing my arms, and…
    ...awkwardly hit her in the eye, and we both just froze in shock, trying to figure out what happened.
    ...somehow managed to fall off the bed, and we both burst out laughing. The moment was saved by the silliness.
    ...accidentally knocked over the lamp on my nightstand, which shattered, and suddenly the mood was completely ruined.
    ...unintentionally elbowed her right in the nose. Blood immediately started pouring, and she began crying. The mood was completely shattered, and she soon left...
  • By Mary
    Last year, I spent a week in the hospital. One time, while I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria at a large table, a blind girl sat down beside me. After a while, someone brought her a tray of food. Since she was blind, I shamelessly watched, curious to see how she would manage to eat. She touched the items on her tray until she found a small bowl of breakfast cereal. It looked like Cheerios. She lifted the bowl to her ear and shook it. A guy sitting at the same table, who was also watching her, asked if she knew what it was. She answered, ‘Cheerios.’ I was in shock. She had identified the cereal just by the sound it made when she shook it! My curiosity got the best of me, so I asked, ‘Wow, can you really tell it’s Cheerios just by the sound? Do other cereals sound different when you shake them? How did you know it wasn’t something else?’ She responded…
    ...‘It’s not the sound—it’s the texture of the bowl. Cheerios have a unique feel.’
    ...with a smile, ‘I’ve been eating them since I was a kid. Trust me, I know that sound anywhere.’
    ...laughing, ‘Because I asked for Cheerios.’ The whole table erupted in laughter. I feel like a dumbass.
    ...‘I guessed based on the weight.’
  • By Hellrider
    Years ago, during my final exam session, I was sitting in the library, studying for an exam. I sat down at a computer, opened my book, and clicked on the browser’s address bar. Suddenly, the computer seemed to be possessed, as the field began filling with endless zeros. I waited for a bit, but the zeros just kept coming. I pressed CTRL+A and deleted them all. But as soon as they disappeared, the zeros started filling the field again. It was Internet Explorer, so I shook my head in dismay. I know a bit about computers, but I wasn’t going to mess with that. If they can’t install a decent browser here, it’s their problem. I reported the issue to the woman at the desk, and luckily, there was a tech guy around. He followed me back to the computer to see what was going on. On the way, I explained my theory: that this lousy Internet Explorer had probably picked up a virus and they should fix it fast before it spreads to other machines. We approached the desk, and I pointed at the screen, asking, ‘So what now?’ The guy looked at me oddly and said...
    ...Well, there’s your problem, and he pointed to the sticky note stuck under the keyboard, pressing down random keys.
    ...You should just close the browser and use something else. He proceeded to demonstrate how to switch browsers, and I felt a bit embarrassed.
    ...You might want to try restarting it, and I realized I hadn’t even thought of the most basic fix.
    ...Just take the book off the keyboard, it’s holding down a key.
  • By Bella
    This happened just yesterday, so it’s still fresh. I was expecting a package and had a class at 1:30 PM. I thought I’d quickly hop in the shower—what could go wrong? I was in the middle of shaving my legs when I heard the doorbell ring. I jumped out of the shower, dripping wet, and hastily wrapped myself in a towel. My German Shepherd, as usual, went crazy at the door, so I dragged him away and shut him (or so I thought) in another room. I cracked the door open, hiding behind it for modesty, and the delivery guy handed me a pen that had no ink (great idea) to sign on his device. I barely managed to make a scribble when I heard my not-so-bright dog racing down the hall, slipping on the wet floor. I turned just in time to see him skid on my wet footprints and crash into me like a 40-kilogram furry cannonball…
    ...I tried to hold onto the door, but in doing so, I swung it wide open, causing my towel to fly off and the pen to land somewhere out of reach. The delivery guy froze, witnessing everything....
    ...I fell backward, trying to hold my towel, but the dog knocked me down and we both ended up in a tangled mess. The delivery guy stood there, wide-eyed and unsure of what to do.
    ...I tripped over the dog, lost my towel, and ended up sitting on the floor in nothing but embarrassment as the delivery guy awkwardly stared.
    ...the impact sent me stumbling, and while I managed to keep my towel, the poor delivery guy looked horrified by the whole scene.
  • By Tom
    Sometime before the summer, my girlfriend and I were talking about her upcoming trip to Greece. She had a new job where she was walking a lot, and she was excited about losing weight: ‘I’ll have the perfect beach body!’ At that moment, knowing how much she loves Greek food, I wanted to joke that she might gain the weight back after enjoying all the delicious dishes there. But what came out of my mouth was, ‘When you get back, you’ll be fat again.'...
    ...Her face dropped, and I instantly realized I had made a huge mistake. She asked quietly, ‘Is that really what you think?’
    ...She didn’t say a word, just gave me a long, disappointed look, and walked out of the room.
    ...She raised an eyebrow and replied sarcastically, ‘Well, looks like you’ll have to deal with a fat girlfriend then.’
    ...It took her a moment to process what I had just said (and the same for me). There was a long, awkward silence. Then she asked, ‘So you’ve always thought I was fat?’
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